"As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame; / [ . . . ] Each mortal thing does one thing and the same: / Deals out that being indoors each one dwells; / Selves -- goes itself; 'myself' it speaks and spells, / Crying 'What I do is me; for that I came'." --Gerard Manley Hopkins

03 May 2005

Eagles’ Wings

End of the semester is always bittersweet, especially spring. One is always glad to let it go; the tiredness increases hourly and rest looks so very sweet.

Of course, it is sad to see the seniors leave. We have gotten to know them so well, love them so much for all they have given us in the past four years, rejoice in the ways they have matured. Their words of thanks at our departmental awards night humbled us all and encouraged us to keep on.

But by finals week the tiredness overwhelms even that sorrow. I only wish it to be over, to have some time to ponder and play and be a wife and mom, read and write for something other than tomorrow’s class, next week’s exam. I feel inadequate, frazzled. Depression hits and I want to succumb. Calling means nothing to me this day.

So glad, so glad, that I am not here alone living my life for whatever purpose I can pretend it has. So glad for the strength He so graciously gives even as I think there is no strength left, His hold on my call and His hold on me to live it whether I will or no.

Jeremiah, when he wearied of the mocking of the people against his prophecies, said, “If I say, ‘I will not mention him, or speak any more in his name, there is in my heart as it were a burning fire shut up in my bones, and I am weary with holding it in, and I cannot’” (20:9 ESV).

Whatever weariness, whatever discouragement, those who desire to live for Him find His Spirit a burning fire that will not let us continue in silence, that reminds us He is with us, to give us wings to mount up like eagles. Rest will come, but His strength is with me now, and I will wait on Him to receive it from His hand. (Is. 40:31)


amelia ruth said...

I'm a link on your blog! That makes me happy. I haven't yet figured out how to put links on my page (that whole technology thing . . .), but when I do, your site will be the first.

Lately I've been thinking about the concept of suffering and hard work, and how often I do everything in my power to get out of hard work and the exhaustion that accompanies it. I think it's good for me to read what you've written and realize that sometimes (always?) being a faithful servant of God means working endlessly for his kingdom, even when we're exhausted and sick of this whole taking up one's cross business.

Is He not so good to graciously give us rest just when we don't think we can take any more? I feel a little of your pain (though obviously on a much smaller scale); by this time in the semester, I just need home. I need to not have looming deadlines and the conflict of feeling unable to do everything that everyone wants me to do.

I wonder what we would do without Christ. It's not something I would like to try.

Josh said...

I recall the excruciating end of every semester... and the extreme sense of relief as I flipped over that last final and walked up to turn it in -- walking out of the last classroom every semester was about the best feeling all year.
Starting up again this fall -- I've got to get this degree I've been working on for so many years done someday, right?

Now the deadlines come and go on a daily basis -- they never go away... The stress makes me pull my hair out quite a bit.

alaiyo said...

Amy -- I had to get my computer expert son to figure out how to do the links on mine! Then it still took me several tries before I could get the second one (yours) on by myself -- but wow, I did it! :)

This subject -- of staying the course, I guess, of not giving up or going AWOL -- is the other one I'm working on (besides the one we discussed about grief). It's hard to do. A whole lot of me just wants to find a way to excuse my desire for rest when it's not time for rest. :)

Good morning, Joshua! So you are going to go for it and take courses this fall? I think you are wise to do so; it will only get harder as your family grows. It's tough now, yes, but baby #2 will make you even busier and less inclined to spend the time on it.

And, yeah, those work responsibilities make being a student look a little less harried, don't they? That's what you get for being good at what you do. :) (Remember Shasta in _The Horse and His Boy_? As soon as you show yourself responsible, someone gives you something even harder to do!)

Love you!

Josh said...

I'm going to take Beowulf Clusters... CS-487 -- it's going to be a painful, painful class, not to mention the fact it's taught at 9am on saturdays... It will be good to get back into it a bit though -- my brain hurts from lack of use sometimes. The job is challenging, but not in the same way -- I have hopes that once I move into my new position it will change somewhat, but that's going to be a while.

If the past is any indication, baby #2 should come along just about 3 weeks before finals -- that's what the first one did. Lots of fun!

Love you too...