"As kingfishers catch fire, dragonflies draw flame; / [ . . . ] Each mortal thing does one thing and the same: / Deals out that being indoors each one dwells; / Selves -- goes itself; 'myself' it speaks and spells, / Crying 'What I do is me; for that I came'." --Gerard Manley Hopkins

24 July 2005

Excuses, Excuses

Last night I received an email I've been trying not to anticipate. The message, though promising nothing, sent a thrill to my very toes, and I savored the moment I could tell K about it.

Now I have a choice. Following the advice I've been given, will I pour myself into this piece, abandoning all but the true essentials for the next few days, and send it off to its fate on the senior editor's desk? Or will I find myself frozen with the fear of judgment LuCindy posted about the other day?

After all, there are so many urgent things to do. Faculty workshop starts in three weeks, and classes a week after that. I need to finish my syllabi, clear my office of last year's detritus, work with K to set up our trust, create the boy's fall schedule, write some birthday cards, read the other ten books sitting on my desk, maybe clean out a few closets . . .

So many excuses to avoid the finished piece and the possible rejection.

The irony? The topic of the piece has to do with the harried lives we lead and the way we make choices. I have written several times here this summer about wanting to learn how to let go and be guided by Him instead of myself, my desires, my fears, my need for control. I think I've learned a tiny bit, at least. I only pray I can practice it this week, trusting Him that all will be accomplished in His time.


Megan said...

"So many excuses to avoid the finished piece and the possible rejection." Shudder. I dream of rejection in sepia tones and wake up thinking, "coward." And yet there's so much more i--we, in general-- would succeed at if we didn't hold back because of that fear. I know your post wasn't about fear of rejection, but when it comes to reading your thoughts, there are always little things within the larger picture that jump out at me. I look forward to hearing how this goes-- can't wait to hear more details!

Megan said...

P.S. May i please "link" you on my page?

alaiyo said...

Oh, Megan, my post is indeed about fear of rejection! I have been totally unable to write today (though I've worked on some note-taking, etc.) for that very reason -- if I put all this effort into it and then they don't want it . . . horrors! (As if I will be a lesser person than I am because something I write doesn't meet some publisher's needs at the moment . . .)

I would be honored to be linked at your site! Thank you very much!


Cindy said...

No choice. Not one you can live with with a clear conscience, at any rate. Write it, Beth, write it well. If you write it well and they don't want it after all, a solid piece of writing will still exist in the world, which is not at all a bad thing! (Besides, I need to read it! Can hardly wait!)

alaiyo said...

Blessings on you, LuCindy! Have the day tomorrow for sure, and have determined to put on hold all but one thing this entire week if necessary to finish it.

Prayers are most welcome! I will send you a draft when I've sent it off.


Cindy said...


:::praying for God to plant you in front of the monitor and sit on you until it's finished!:::

Fieldfleur said...

Sounds exciting!!

Lisa (Froggyhead) said...

Hope everything is going well. I take your absence as a good sign that God is answering Cindy's prayer and sitting on you. :)

alaiyo said...

Hi, Lisa -- thanks for stopping by! Actually, I have gotten completely blocked on the piece -- it will probably all come clear the moment I have no time to work on it . . . sigh. At least it's not fear holding me back -- just can't get the mind to function! So I've just been trying to work on syllabi for the new semester now.